Day 35 of 180 (2021 – 2022)

Before I worked at this school, and the previous one, I taught at an out of district placement for students classified as “socially, emotionally, and/or behaviorally disturbed youth”. While the acronym SEBS is still used, I would think that “disturbed youth” might have gone the way of the dodo. I’d prefer it was disrupted over disturbed, but not the point.

Yesterday, I lost my mind at school. I did all those things that I know not to do, and walked into multiple power struggles because I could not get myself together. Today I have to apologize for some of that. I yelled. I wanted to throw things. I gave the students who were pushing my buttons everything they wanted. Now I feel stupid that I let it happen. Good to have the humanity check, but perhaps a time not in front of students would be better.

Where did this leave me, you may ask. After school, there was a PD for people to do reading interventions. They were showing us an example of how to question a text and used “The Velveteen Rabbit”. I sobbed. On Zoom. In front of a bunch of co-workers. (And yes, I 100% said that my sinus medicine had run out and that’s why I needed tissues/had runny eyes.) When I’m sobbing over a short story – granted it’s a horrible story for anyone who gets triggered by neglect – there’s a larger problem going on.) I got home, and got weepy to my wife and confessed a horrible truth:

Am I cut out to be a teacher? Here? In a “post-pandemic” but still very much in it world?

Most teachers are wondering this right now. This is not me being unique.

….

I thought I had finished this, but no. Same sort of feelings going on, but feeling like I need to tackle this somehow. UGH.

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